By Natalie Irons, Associate Director, Instructional Coaching Programs
Coaching Partnerships Blog
Remembering the mindset to “never let a conflict go to waste” might be useful for those times you wish you could walk away from a growing argument within your team or between colleagues or students. The writers of It’s Your Turn: Teachers as Facilitators, Bob Garmston and Carolyn McKanders, posit that with crisis we have the opportunity to do the things we didn’t think we could do. Those conflict situations can feel like a crisis, like we have no control. And, we can decide if fear will keep us quiet, in a retreat stance or reactionary outburst. Conflict can also be a guide to a new direction when we first listen to our body’s reaction, and then take a brave move to act from a different place.
In a recent meeting, a colleague used some language that I immediately reacted to as exclusionary. I could feel it in my body. Without any thought to the visceral response, I nearly exploded, no pause, no paraphrase, no listening. Not one of my better coaching moments. Luckily there is a good amount of trust, and the group listened to my rant. I apologized later. No harm done.
What is striking upon reflection is just how hard it can be to know when to listen and when to speak up, especially in times of conflict. I’m learning that my body is the first cue. Prentiss Hemphill in What it Takes to Heal (can’t get enough of their written words) writes, “We can learn how to feel and listen to our bodies’ reactions without acting them out or becoming them.” Schools and educational systems are full of moments to listen and feel. Maybe everyone around us can benefit when we take the opportunity to make a brave move and do the things we didn’t think we could.
When you experience conflict, what do you notice in your body? How might you make decisions about what to say or do and what not to?
Please contact Natalie Irons, irons@gseis.ucla.edu, if you’d like to join a free, online “Coaches Chat” on the first and third Thursdays each month at 3pm PST.