Personal Reflections from a Korean American Woman – Culture & Equity Project Blog

Rita Suh, Ed.D.
Culture & Equity Project Blog

I haven’t been able to sleep the last few months and I’ve been “feeling” a certain way that I couldn’t put my finger on. I say “feeling” because it isn’t a mood. And it isn’t one emotion. I’ve been experiencing something that I have never experienced in my life and on March 16th, after eight Asian women were shot in Atlanta, I finally figured out that feeling.

These past few months have been crippling for me. I lay awake at night worrying about everyone in my family, especially my parents and grandparents. I used to go on daily walks, but that stopped about six weeks ago when I saw several videos of people harassing young Asian American women. I am filled with anxiety when I go grocery shopping because I’ve personally heard stories of people yelling at Asian Americans, “Go back to where you came from!” And after the Atlanta shooting, I realized that “feeling” is a combination of fear, anxiety, anger, hurt and betrayal. But I also wrestle with other emotions such as guilt and shame.